JUNIOR DESOUZA MINISTRIES

Welcome to Junior deSouza Ministries!

 
Thank you for visiting me and JDM. We exist for God's glory and people! Feel free to look around, and may you find a home here with JDM.
 
Also, be sure to check out my most recent writing below. 
   
I will lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.    --Psalm 121:1,2

Parenting 911

Children conform to what they see and hear repeatedly. They live by a subconscious premise that dad and mom are gods. Every touch is felt twice as deep...every word replayed twice as much...every absence languished twice as long. Walk gingerly!

Treat your spouse with love and honor.

People recreate their parents' relationship in their own romantic life. Of course, this is not always true, but it happens enough to constitute a predictable trend. Girls drift toward boys that reflect their father/father-figure, boys drift toward girls that reflect their mother/mother-figure, and both sexes drift toward a relationship that mirrors their parents'. Scripture alludes to this phenomenon as generational impressioning, and can be used for good or evil. Consequently, the first and greatest impression parents must imprint on their children's tabula rasa is a wholesome and fulfilling marriage. When spouses consistently treat one another with deep love and respect, the child's imagination previews what he can recreate for himself. If you don't graphically define romantic love for your children, Desperate Housewives will.

TIPS: Show affection around your children. Let them hear you say "I love you" and "You mean the world to me" and "You are an amazing husband/wife" and other verbal strokes. Have weekly dates and explain to them what and why. Defer to one another in the little things, like handing over the remote control or relinquishing the thermostat (kids notice all this). Do not dispute in front of them. Never jokingly embarrass or belittle one another. Most importantly, let them see you praying and seeking Jesus together, as a couple.

Transfer genderized qualities.

     Genesis 1:27 states that, from within Himself, God made two separate human genders. Together, male and female would comprise and reflect His total image. God is capable of both fathering (Isa 9:6) and mothering (66:13), of steadfastness (40:10) and sensitivity (v11). (NOTE: God nevertheless defines Himself in the masculine, as "Father" and "Son" and "His Spirit".)
     We need both male and female traits, then, to be whole and balanced like our Creator. This does not minimize gender, for gender dictates which sex will be dominant and definitive in our psychobiology. It does, however, call us to a practical gender-balance. For example, extreme maleness detaches a person from sensitive qualities--how many unfeeling and non-nurturing people do we know? These people have overdeveloped maleness and underdeveloped femaleness (like Jezebel). Likewise, extreme femaleness detaches a person from steadfast qualities--how many spineless and exploitable people do we know? These people have overdeveloped femaleness and underdeveloped maleness (like Ahab).
     Gender is our God-given psychobiology, gender-balance is a practical fluidness to move back and forth between sensitivity and steadfastness. A gender-balanced person is functional in both male and female nuances, yet lives primarily through their God-given gender. King David is probably the best example in all Scripture of a gender-balanced person. He showed amazing fluidity to be both sensitive and steadfast, yet was unmistakably a man's man.

Children and teens need a steady diet of both genderized qualities. If not, they will likely develop with gender extremes. Fathers are to transfer the signature male trait, steadfastness (Isa 9:6), mothers are to transfer the female one, sensitivity, (66:13). If the transfers are consistent and successful, the child will develop into a solid completeness. They will not crave codependent relationships to supply their missing half. Such people meet the ideal profile for very fulfilling relationships.

TIPS: Sensitivity By example and entreaty, motivate children to share their feelings and become comfortable with heart-talk. Validate and reward them verbally when they do. Help them see that "stuffing" is harmful, as is communicating only from the head. Encourage them to listen to others with empathy and validation. Affirm their tears and encourage them to cry when necessary. "Strong people don't cry" was born in a satanic strategy meeting somewhere in Plasticville. Jesus wept often (Heb 5:7). Develop their physical affection by being affectionate with them. If you are not affectionate for personal reasons, resolve it and become affectionate. Hear that dads? Steadfastness Let them see you standing and speaking against evil and injustice in appropriate ways. Have clear moral principles on which you will not vacillate, and motivate them to do the same. Make hard decisions with their knowledge (when appropriate), explaining what and why. Help them ignore their feelings and do what is best when the two are in conflict. Show them that knowledge and wisdom are the essence of strength (Pr 24:5), and a strong backbone comes from a strong mind. Therefore, read around them, to them, and with them things that have value and substance.

Trigger unique self-expression.

Just as each child has a God-given gender, so also each child has a God-given personality, or unique self-expression. Personality can be quantified to a degree. Gary Smalley has done a good job for the church in simplifying and Christianizing the four basic personality types. After all, God Himself has four basic attributes from which the four personality types flow (Gen 2:10, Eze 1:10, the four gospels, etc.).

It is important to emphasize, however, that within the four arch-types there are idiosyncrasies and subtleties unique to the individual. In this way there is no one in the whole world like us! Each of us is truly a divine masterpiece! Parents are not to create "mini-Me's" of their children. The tragedy with life after The Fall is that children were fashioned in the image of their parents (Gen 5:3), instead of the image of God (v1). Every child is carrying a unique expression of God in them, fearfully and wonderfully fashioned by the Maker's brilliance. Parents are to do anything and everything they can to let their child's divine personality breathe and blossom. You may not know what it is, they may not know what it is, but neither of you will ever know what it is if you force a duplicate of yourself on your child. They are your child, but they are not you!

TIPS: Encouraging unique self-expression in children is simpler than many parents realize. Understand "black, white, and gray", the message of Romans 14. If it is clearly, and I do mean clearly, right or wrong according to Scripture (black/white), then speak out and rule, permit or prohibit. If it is not a black-n-white matter, but one of personal preference or conviction (gray), then be silent and implicitly force them to discover their own variance. Don't tell them what they should like or dislike, prefer or not prefer. Encourage them to navigate their own gray-area choices, and as they do, do not criticize or belittle when it differs from you. Your job is to keep them within safe pasture (the black-n-white), but not to tell them where to eat the grass or when to eat it or how much to eat or if to drink from the brook while they eat (the gray). Make sense?

Your children will favor you immensely if you successfully administrate black, white, and gray with them. Hear me parents, they want and need both: the safety of black-n-white biblical boundaries AND the liberty of unique self-expression in the grays.

Train in godly habits.

Ephesians 6:4 commands parents, at the father's pilotage, to raise children in the training and truth of the Lord. This command fascinates me, since genuine godliness cannot be imposed or forced (1Sam 8:1-5). Therefore, parents are to train their children in godly habits, in the hopes and prayers that one day they will embrace it in their heart. Note the difference in habit and heart. Parents cannot do the heart part. Only the Holy Spirit and the child's own freewill can give godliness an everlasting home in the heart. By developing godly habits in your children, though, you are making it much easier for them to one day embrace it as their own.

Some sidenotes. First, children are more likely to embrace the Lord if He is presented to them delicately. Fear, guilt, and coercion produce temporary compliance, but permanent rebellion. Secondly, children are more likely to embrace the Lord if they sense "it works" for their parents. Children are irrational, yet highly practical, they think in terms of toys and objects. They will evaluate your God, then, by how well He works--like a toy. Parents, does your relationship with God "work"? Are you positive and optimistic? Are you selfless? Are you honest? Are you inspiring? Even children can x-ray hypocrisy.

TIPS: Train them to elevate Scripture. Saturate your home with verses (Deu 6:6-9). The Spirit will pull your children's eyes to a certain verse at just the right time to create a personal experience. When discussing Scripture, don't preach at them, use personal testimonies (Ps 78:4) and creative parables (v2,3) that arrest their imagination. You'll have plenty of opportunities to discipline with the Word when they test your authority. Train them to pray and worship daily (Col 4:2). Don't push them, simply place them in the Presence and set the example.

Train them to honor all legitimate authority (Ro 13:1-7). Train them to have integrity (1Chr 29:17 NIV, Jer 17:10), not perfection. Train them to give freely (Lk 6:38). Train them to admit fault and failure humbly (Jas 5:16), and to forgive from the heart (Mt 18:34,35). Follow the Spirit parenting through you.

Tutor in basic life skills.

Many good, even godly, parents stumble here. Godly training is central, but it won't cook you dinner, do your laundry, iron your clothes, get you in shape, balance your checkbook, give you good hygiene, charm you with social skill, or teach you other practical life skills.

Scripture calls for excellence in basic life skills. Solomon said "ointment and perfume delight the heart" (Pr 27:9 NKJV), praising hygiene that welcomes. He also said, "Let your garments always be white, and let your head lack no oil" (Ecc 9:8), praising clean clothes and good self-presentation. Jesus echoed Solomon, even while fasting (Mt 6:17). Proverbs urges sound money management (Pr 21:20), graceful social skills (Pr 12:18, 15:30), and diligent work (Pr 12:24, 21:5). Parents, then, are responsible for tutoring their kids in all these. Children well-schooled in this regard have high self-efficacy to manage the housekeeping side of life well.

TIPS: Have good life skills yourself! Let them help you cook, clean, fold, pay bills. Bring them exercising with you, or do fun things with them that are active. Stop drugging them with sugar and junk and eat healthier around them and with them. Let them see you interact socially and conversate gracefully. Mothers, tutor your daughters in tasteful beautification; fathers, your sons in handsomeness. Strong life skills are very welcoming, open many doors, and invoke the favor of God and man.

Teach wholesome relationships.

Those who relate with the wise become wise, but those who relate with fools suffer (Pr 13:20). Psalm 101 is an excellent passage about prioritizing good and godly relationships, while distancing from harmful ones. Paul reminds the Corinthian Christians and us that bad company corrupts good character (1Cor 15:33). Ecclesiastes 9:18: ...one sinner destroys much good. Parents have the calling to maintain wholesome company themselves, then educate their children to do the same.

For several years I did youth ministry. The cycle was predictable and frustrating: a young person would catch fire for the Lord, walk with Him for a time, then start deteriorating spiritually as they prioritized negative relationships over wholesome ones. To be blunt, many Christian parents are flimsy in this area. To not alienate their children, they become invertebrates, spinelessly indulging their kids' destructive "friends" and romantic choices. After children become independent adults, they are free in God's sight to make their own choices without parental endorsement. However, as long as they are under the parental canopy, parents are under Scriptural orders to sift their kids' relationships for them, even more, to educate them thoroughly on the whats and hows of wholesome company.

TIPS: Parents, educating children in relational soundness has nothing to do with your personal hang-ups, preferences, or expectations, but with Scriptural black-n-whites. In other words, race, nationality, economic status, dress style, or any other superficial quality is immaterial. Forbidding your children to relate on such premises is indeed shallow and sinful. Remember how God dealt with Aaron and Miriam for their racism when Moses married an Ethiopian (Num 12:1,2)? Racism be cursed.

Scripture has relationship black-n-whites, this and this alone is what parents are supposed to implement. Let Proverbs 12:26 (NKJV) be a lighthouse: The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Before I list some biblical relational values, understand that most young people will not be "there". The key is to ask yourself and God, Is there a willingness to learn and grow in this young person? We all can sense if a person, even a young person, has seeds of willingness or rebellion germinating in them. Teach your kids to look for genuine teachability in others, rather than perfect people who do not exist. Parents and all Christians, the season has come to resurrect the Bible's relational values and make headway towards a more wholesome relational life.

Scripture defines a friend as someone who.....

.....walks with God (Ps 119:63, 1Sam 23:16).

.....is an intercessor, a faithful pray-er (Job 16:20,21, Dan 2:17,18, 1Sam 23:16).

.....encourages, empowers, and helps you (Ecc 4:9-12, SS 6:1, 2Co 12:19); does not exploit your weakness

like Ahithophel (2Sam 16:15-23, 17:1-23).

.....admires you (1Sam 18:1-4, SS 1:4); does not have a jealous eye like Saul (1Sam 18:9).

.....struggles and suffers with you (Pr 17:17, Jud 11:37, 1Sam 20, Est 4:16); does not dip out when lack or

hardship hits (Pr 19:4,7).

.....gives and serves, even sacrificially (1Sam 18:4, 20:4, Jn 15:13, Ac 24:23, 27:3); is not stingy (Pr 23:6).

.....is gracious (Pr 22:11), not hot-tempered (22:24, 19:19).

.....overlooks and covers (Pr 17:9); does not nitpick or corrode another's self-image through negativity (Pr 11:12

NIV).

.....is honest and counseling when it matters (Pr 27:6,9).

.....is open (Ex 33:11, Pr 27:5, Jn 15:15, 2Co 6:11-13).

Tighten the security of their environment.

Children yearn to know their living perimeter is secure. Because of their smallness and lack of resources, they inherently sense their own vulnerability. Consequently, their eyes look intently to mom and dad for insulation and safeguard. When they perceive their living environment is secure, they settle emotionally and gain the ability to trust. Ultimately, they transpose this trust onto God, believing He can secure just as mom and dad did. Children need to feel safe to develop well. Unsure children turn into unsure adults, constantly looking about, obsessing that fear and danger loom around every corner.

TIPS: I urge parents to do whatever necessary to create security in their children's living environment. An alarm system? Sensory lights? Watchdog? Moving to a new location? Having an emergency action plan? Important phone numbers? Verbal reassurance? Different families will need different solutions, but find them! Tighten the security of your child's environment, and they will learn to trust in you, and one day, in God. Jerusalem was God's holy city and dwellingplace, yet even it had citadels, watchtowers, ramparts, and high walls (Ps 48:12,13). Why is your child's dwellingplace any different?

Take out a financial or material inheritance for them.

Proverbs 13:22 says, A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children. Proverbs 19:14 says, Houses and wealth are inherited from parents. Familial inheritance is something long lost in many contemporary Christian circles. In biblical culture, parents were responsible for accumulating and reserving a material inheritance for their children, even their children's children! This is tough meat to chew for many American Christian parents. Let's look at Scripture.

In Scripture, children labored within the family environment (Gen 30:35, 37:12-14, Lk 15:29). This is where they learned hard work, diligence, and responsibility. This is where they "qualified" for their future inheritance. Each child, then, had some type of material inheritance reserved by the parents (property, houses, wealth, etc.), but it could not be gotten until the proper time, until the child was mature and responsible enough to receive it (Gal 4:1,2). The prodigal son story highlights receiving an inheritance before time, as does Proverbs 20:21. In contemporary America we have it flipped. Children coast through life until they finish high school or college, then they enter "the real world" and become harshly acquainted with hard work and responsibility. If we return to Scripture, parents are to "test" their kids all throughout childhood and adolescence, developing work ethic and responsibility in them, qualifying them for a material inheritance to be gotten at the ideal time.

This inheritance is for one main purpose: to fund and facilitate their life purpose in God. How many destinies would be reached sooner if faithful Christians had adequate funding for destiny expenses? We cannot throw all the blame on "God's timing" and "God's sovereignty". God's order (one aspect of it) is to fund destiny through parental inheritance, and when that order is lost or misunderstood, faithful Christians are delayed and God is forced to provide in other ways.

TIPS: Proverbs 13:22 and 19:14 presuppose financial/material prosperity. For, parents cannot take out a financial/material inheritance for their children if they are impoverished or barely surviving. Now let me be very clear: I am NOT a believer in this greedy, materialistic, hyper-prosperity theology that many are chasing. It is simply Christianized materialism. Having said that, understand there is a consistent biblical truth that places financial capability with God's people (Deu 8:18, 28:12, Ps 112:3, Pr 3:9,10, 8:18,21, Ecc 2:26, 5:19, Mk 10:29,30, 1Ti 6:17, 3Jn 2). If you do not believe it, pray for it, and strategize for it, how will you ever prosper enough to leave an inheritance for your kids? Start believing, praying, and strategizing about how you can access God's financial inheritance for you as a Christian and Christian parent. Your signature strengths, talents, and gifts are a good starting point (1Sam 16:18-22). So is giving consistently (Pr 3:9,10).

Transition fully through parental roles.

Finally, just as children evolve into adults, so also parents must transition fully through parental roles and stages.

Role 1: The Controller This is the "do-don't do" stage of parenting, which covers babyhood, toddlerhood, and childhood. During these years parents essentially "control" everything pertaining to the child. They monitor and micromanage them closely, constantly saving their life!

Role 2: The Authority This is the "coaching" stage of parenting, covering pre-pubescence and adolescence. An athletic coach does two things: establishes/enforces the team's playing system (boundaries) and encourages player creativity and autonomy within that system (freedom). So also parents "coach" their children during adolescence. They are to establish the system by setting clear boundaries and defining their authority (like curfew times, hang-out locations, friend requirements, media allowances, personal health, and so on); and, they are to allow much freedom and flexibility within that system. It's also like shepherding or herding. The shepherd fences in his pasture, setting boundaries the animals cannot exceed. Within those boundaries, though, they can roam and graze as they please. This stage redefines the parental role from total control to general authority, allowing the child to practice life and individuate in safe pasture.

Role 3: The Friend This is the "co-equal" stage of parenting, and covers adulthood. This is where parents fully recognize, in word and deed, the independent adulthood and co-equal friendship of their child, celebrating their child's launch into adultness. The total control stage of childhood is expired, the general authority stage of adolescence is expired, and now the friend stage is in effect. Many parents extend stages 1 and 2 into their child's adulthood, attempting to "fix" certain past parenting mistakes. Doing so invites tension, disorder, even demonic antagonism, as this is not God's blueprint. If parental mistakes are perceived at stages 1 and 2, ask God to fix it. Be humble and make restitution if necessary and possible, but look ahead toward His restoration. Transition!